BeccaBear's Blog

The cat’s pajamas

Anxious

The amount of anxiety inside my mind and body feels like it’s oozing out bit by bit. I can’t seem to put my finger on exactly what is bothering me but I can take a guess it has something to do with my relationship, as that’s the only reason I get really anxious like this.

I think I have become so accustom to Russell and the way he acts that when he has something on his mind or when he is extra busy it sends big red flags in my mind that I must have done something. In this case I may have…

We don’t really have fights or arguments but one thing that hangs over our relationship is cheating. Not that he or I have ever cheated on each other but that both of our previous relationships ended with being cheated on, numerous times. I have the type of personality to let it go and move on, where as he has the personality that let’s that thought linger and fester in the back of his mind. The first few years of being asked, “are you cheating on me?” Was followed by a reassuring response from me.

Recently, I may have had too many alcoholic beverages which resulted in me being a sarcastic smart ass and answering “yup, just once.”

Why I said it, I have no clue. As a matter of fact I don’t even remember saying it. If I could put my best guess toward why those words came out of ny mouth I can almost guarantee it was the aggravation I feel every time he ask when he should know better.

But when I said it he got furious, yelled a few profanities (for he has also been drinking adult beverages), took his blanket off the bed and went to sleep on his office floor (even though we have a guest bedroom).

This is the only thing I can think of that I would have done to make him radiate his unusual mojo. And maybe it’s not me, maybe it’s work, or the fact that he changed his schedule to be off on the same day as me and work changed my schedule so I no longer had that day off. Who knows! But every time I ask when he gets this way he says he is fine and either a couple days later he really is fine or we have one of those rare “feelings talks” and then everything is back to normal.

Now that I have all my thoughts out, I shall wait until he is ready or normal. Until then, go away anxiety! You dont make this easier!!

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