BeccaBear's Blog

The cat’s pajamas

Tag Archives: Life

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Check out my best friend’s blog

Salem Oblivion

He’s pretty amazing.

Side note I guess I could tell you about my day:
I was fairly productive and cleaned the old apartment we stayed in so that all I have to do now is vacuum a couple rooms (yay me!). I feel that even if we didn’t clean religiously (mostly I was on strike because the two boys I lived with wouldn’t clean) I think it should be clean for the new tenants.
Even if the neighborhood is shitty.
And the reality company didn’t do anything to help our process move smoothly.

We still have a lot to do, but we will get to it! We are both just very busy 😦 My fiance works for a beer company (Miller) in merchandising; which has its perks. We try a lot of awesome beer! This month they have the New Belgium items available to him for $5 a case… Talk about heaven. These are two of my favorite so far:

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Check it out if you like beer. The sunshine is a lighter, more flavored beer. Trippel is a hoppier IPA. Both are very enjoyable and come in a pint size container.

Aside from that, I had a decent day at work. The place I work trains students from our local college and tomorrow is their last day which is very sad. I enjoy and dislike students all at the same time! They always seem to know ALMOST what they are talking about but its really difficult when you are responsible for their work. I like to lock myself away in a room without them on days when I feel stressed or when the Radiologist is cranky.

The two we have this semester are really good for only being in their 3rd (out of 5) semester. Normally we only accept 4th and 5th semester students but this was our first set of 3rd semesters in 2 years. I’m impressed. Though it always seems one is cockier than the other and the one that is not is either the one we like or the one that doesn’t know anything at all. In this case it’s the one we like.

I am sad to see them go though and hope they get through the next year flawlessly! It’s nice to know that you make a difference to people in their learning. Makes me smile a little.

On that note I’m going to finish watching this episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (because I love nostalgia) and go to bed!

Also, I have officially hit more than 30 followers so I want to thank you so much to everyone that follows me! I really appreciate you guys<3

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To The Father That Never Was

Dear Gary,

Here is what I know about you:

Your name.
I was 1 year old when the man who raised me married my mom.
You use to call me when I was a child,
until one day when I was 6 I told you I didn’t know who you were and I didn’t want to talk to you.
You use to send me stickers in the mail, but you never paid child support.
At one point you lived in Alaska for a long period of time.
You remarried.
Had more children.
When the man who raised me tried to legally adopt me when I was 12 you refused to sign the papers; little do you know when I was 18 I had my last name legally changed to his, even though he and I haven’t been on good terms since I was 14.
You have a sister; she tried messaging me on myspace once.
I deleted it; I kind of regret it.
But I was young, I didn’t know any better.

What I don’t know is your side of the story.
Did you date my mom?
Or was it just a fling?
Did you plan on marrying her?
Or did she just leave you high and dry?
Did you even know about me or was I already here?

I could never ask her because for some ‘motherly’ reason my mom would lie to me until the end of time just to make her seem like the better person and try to give me the most pleasing answer she thinks I want to hear.

I always wondered what you even look like.
She has no pictures.
I’ve gone through all of her old high school year books and photo albums from when she was growing up; and I don’t see you in any of them.
Or maybe I’m just not looking hard enough.

I could pass you on the street, or have a full on face-to-face conversation with you,
And I would never even know.

I met a man at the grocery store where I worked at once that had your full name and I wondered if it might be you

Who are you?
Are you
A Musician?
An Artist?
A Scholar?
A Bum?
A Hard worker?
A Good Dad?

I have had the opportunity to get these questions answered, I could put forth the effort in trying to find you.
But you took the words of a 6 year old to heart and never contacted me again after that phone conversation.
That says something to me.

When it all comes down to it, to me you are:
Nothing.

How does that make you feel?
I’m not sure how it makes me feel.

Love,Your first daughter.
Or was I?

Please, PLEASE

Dear stranger, family, or friend,

Please,
If you are thinking of suicide: go look at every picture you have of
every face of
every person in the world who cares about you or
you care about.

It absolutely breaks my heart to watch my friends, family, and community distraught because we lost someone so important.

Life is hard. We all know it. Its damn near impossible to handle on some days and when you feel your worst just remember you can ONLY go up from down when you have sunk to the bottom. There are people who would love to help you if only you would ask or reach out just a little.

How can you accomplish great things if you are buried twenty feet in the ground?

I know I am a little bias because I have never been put in the situation where I felt my life was
{nothing} and
{I am nothing} and
{no body cares}
But please,

Please, please
.I.
.am.
.begging.
.you.

Don’t do it.

~
Please, in the comments give memory and thought to those we love who self harm, hate themselves, and have taken their life because they thought noone cared.

I dedicate this blog to Chino Valentino I only got to meet you a few times but I knew you by name and could tell you were a great guy by all the great stories everyone told me. You were always nice and made everyone in the room smile. You left us, and you tore everyone apart.

The entire town is distraught and broken hearted:

We did not lose just a great radio star, or singer in a band but a son, fiancé, father and, most importantly, friend. You will be missed more than you will ever know.

The video linked includes music, written, played and sung by Chino. Pictures were sent by friends. And the message is from all of us<3
Forever.

Obligations

What makes us feel obligated to do certain things or think a certain way?

Is it our need to determine what is right and what is wrong?
And who decides that: right and wrong?
Society?

Are you able to separate your own thoughts and feelings from society?
They put the idea in your mind, then beat it until it sticks.

Or do you really agree with what they are saying?

Obligation is not black and white or clear cut,
You can do what you truly believe is right.

If society agrees, hooray.
If not, oh well.

If someone does not agree with what you believe in:
You are not obliged to make them see your way.
Give them the information you wish to share.

Let them think what they want,
Do what they want,
Feel how they want.

We are all individuals,
We are not obligated to be sheep.
Nor should we be.

~
Disclaimer: There are certain topics of conversation where I feel this is inappropriate advice, but generally I think it can adequately cover most topics.

Mom

Dear Mom,
I will always be grateful for everything you’ve ever done for me, for everything you’ve ever taught me, and for always being my self conscious. Not everyone could say they have a great relationship with their mom, but I’m proud to say I have with you.

You always took care of me when I couldn’t do it myself. And you still would if I needed you. Your motives may not have always been completely selfless, but your heart was in the right place. And I know you care, even if you don’t say it every day: you show it.

I just hope all these years by your side have made you a better person; that I helped you learn while I was learning myself. You were so young when you had me and I’m sorry I took your young-adulthood away. But I think you did really well. I turned out alright.

Good job, mom.

You have battle cancer many time,
Watching you go through that taught me to be strong. To never give up. To fight even if you aren’t fighting for yourself, but for those you love most. It will always be the biggest obstacle and darkest shadow that follows you for the rest of your life.

I’m so proud of you, mom.

You raised my sister and me, even when no one else would or could. You put us before anyone else, even yourself. It makes me feel good to know someone cares so much.

I appreciate you, mom.

When I was hanging out with the wrong crowd, you grounded me. Told me I couldn’t hang out with them. Punished me for sneaking out anyway. And I was so mad; but as time went by and I watched those people I thought were my “friends” from a distance, because you wouldn’t let me get close, I watched them go downhill. Watched them make bad decisions. Watched them burn their lives to the ground. And I can never thank you enough for keeping me away from it. You made me step back and think
“Is this going to be a good decision for my future? Something that will help or haunt me for the rest of my life?”

Thank you SO much, mom.

I don’t live at home anymore but I do have one request: Just take care of yourself. You don’t need anyone else to make you happy, though I wish you all the happiness in the world and if you should find that in another person’s company: please don’t let me stop you.

Even if I hate his guts and hope he rots in hell for
lying to you, for better or worse,
and cheating on you, in sickness and health,
Even if he makes you happy through the good, no matter what bad he may do later,

You won’t listen to me.
And I can’t force you.
Just know I’m always here for you,
Whether he is or not.

I love you, mom.

Love

LOVE
is irresistible.
Undefinable.
Required.
Not limited to a person,
Object,
Or relationship.

Love is all around us
Waiting to make us
Smile,
And cry,
And laugh,
And live.

Fueling the fire to our
Passion and
Rage.

It is everything we hope and dream for.
And what we curse and blame when our hearts are broken.

But don’t blame love for your past;
Thank it,
Because without it you have nothing.

Nothing to look forward to,
Learn,
Seek,
Or feel.

I am lucky enough to find love in this world in the most surprising and wonderful of places. I will always cherish every moment and try not to waste it because I know at any moment it could be taken from me.

We all make mistakes and we all take stuff for granted until it’s too late. But I want to be that person who always tried to make a conscious effort to live life to its fullest and love everything and everyone around me.

For the rest of my life,
No matter how overrated
Or terrible it can be:

I want it with me always.

I am Lost

Everyone in life goes through ups and downs.
We all have our depressed moments in life and our happy ones.

I can gladly inform you I am no different from the rest of you.
I know many who had it much rougher than myself
And  I know those who had it easier than me.

Heart Break
Suicide
Abuse
Bullying
Addiction
Sex
Obseity
Loss
Drugs
Alcohol
Anorexia
Loneliness
I wont tell you which of those apply to me, but I know you’re thinking of the ones that apply to you.

We all go through it and my best advice on getting to the other side of that dark tunnel is:
Fight your fucking way out even if it kills you.
Don’t depend on others for your fight.
This is for you and your well being, not theirs.
They wont fight as hard for you as you will for yourself.

I can safely say I have fought my way out of my dark pit on many occasions
and when I feel myself slipping back into it I start building my ladder before I descend.

Everyone has a crutch.
Something to make them feel Sane,
Wanted,
Cared about,
Even Loved.

Something they can devote themselves to fully that fills them with joy and happiness.

I myself have many things I have discovered over the years that made me happy
Music
Art
Colorguard
Dancing
Friends
Hell, the Internet.
And when I feel that dark cloud hanging over my head I grasp one of them with all my might and strangle the light back into me.

But I lost a good portion of those things when I finally thought I had truly made myself happy and would not look back to the sadness and despair.
After all, I finally left high school,
Got an education,
Found love,
I became an adult.

Adults don’t need those things.
Adults just wake up in the morning,
And do what they are suppose to.

They have a great life.
They go get a job.
Or a career.
They pay bills.
They fall in love.
They have a family.
They fuck their family up on the occasion.
And then they move on.
Bullshit.

Childish way to look at thing, I know
But we all have to learn.

Through my stages of [content] life I can feel my demons creeping up on me again,
And in my harsh reality I realized I needed to find myself again.
I need those things I loved to pull me out of what may come.

You only go up from down,
And you can only go down from up.
Its a constant battle and even if you stay up in the air for a long period of time never forget:
The ground is waiting to catch you,
And it wont be gentle.

So I am seeking myself back out,
Trying to find the strong person who I was,
And molding myself into someone greater.
Someone more alive.
Someone who can share hope with others.

And most importantly
Love.

I want to surround those I care about most with Love.

Finale

And what does it matter if in the

E
n
d

When the world stops turning,
and your heart stops beating,
you pause for just a second before that final moment,
to look back and see all that you’re leaving behind,

but all those you wished to reach out to were blind to your existence.

And what does it matter if in the

e
N
d

You failed to part take your greatest feat,
reach your highest goals,
accomplish your biggest dreams and aspirations,

but instead you helped one, small someone when they were in need.

And what does it matter if in the

e
n
D

You look back on  your life and realized you are as small as an ant in the universe.

b
u
t

As long as you help the colony build and grow,
As long as you show compassion for those who live,
As long as you believe in a life where you know you make a difference,
As long as you leave that tiniest footprint in the heart of someone that mattered,

Then it was not such a small life after all.

And in the END when you turn around to look back on your existence,
You will be able to keep walking.

Endure

It is the difficult times we must endure
Those times that really show you who you really are,
or who you’d like to become.

They make you stronger,
Make you think,
Make you learn.

Times like when you play pokemon blue for two hours and don’t realize your battery is dying before its too late and you haven’t saved.

Yes, times like that are hard.
But you can always flip the switch back on once you’ve replaced the batteries…

Too bad the real world isn’t like that.

Comfort

Comfort and happiness are things we strive for in our lives.
But I am starting to realize the two are not necessarily synonymous.

I have a great family, great friends, great fiancé, great job, and a beautiful place to live. But something about it is all unsettling: I just don’t know if I am happy being content.

Growing up as the typical “good, responsible kid” is starting to take a toll. I want to do something crazy! I want to move far, far away where I don’t know a single person and noone can find me. It seems easier to run away and start over than figure out my problems and fix it. I suppose it is the chickens way out, but it seems much more exciting.

However, I know I would never do that to my friends and family. They mean so much to me it hurts to think about hurting them like that.

Which brings me to my next point: psychological egoism.

Psychological egoism is the theory that human behavior is motivated by self interest. I am fully aware that my motives for making other people happy is so they will like me. There is something about knowing others are disappointed in me or do not like me that just crushes my soul and makes me want to cry.

I need to stop this.

I am so obsessed with making other people happy that I put them before myself, almost always.
Because maybe if they are happy enough they will praise me and love me. I am selfless for ulterior selfish motives, if that makes sense.

Or maybe this thought has come about because I am just scared that I am getting too settled in my life. Maybe its time for a change.

So, what is more important: being content or being happy?