BeccaBear's Blog

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Tag Archives: Letter

To The Father That Never Was

Dear Gary,

Here is what I know about you:

Your name.
I was 1 year old when the man who raised me married my mom.
You use to call me when I was a child,
until one day when I was 6 I told you I didn’t know who you were and I didn’t want to talk to you.
You use to send me stickers in the mail, but you never paid child support.
At one point you lived in Alaska for a long period of time.
You remarried.
Had more children.
When the man who raised me tried to legally adopt me when I was 12 you refused to sign the papers; little do you know when I was 18 I had my last name legally changed to his, even though he and I haven’t been on good terms since I was 14.
You have a sister; she tried messaging me on myspace once.
I deleted it; I kind of regret it.
But I was young, I didn’t know any better.

What I don’t know is your side of the story.
Did you date my mom?
Or was it just a fling?
Did you plan on marrying her?
Or did she just leave you high and dry?
Did you even know about me or was I already here?

I could never ask her because for some ‘motherly’ reason my mom would lie to me until the end of time just to make her seem like the better person and try to give me the most pleasing answer she thinks I want to hear.

I always wondered what you even look like.
She has no pictures.
I’ve gone through all of her old high school year books and photo albums from when she was growing up; and I don’t see you in any of them.
Or maybe I’m just not looking hard enough.

I could pass you on the street, or have a full on face-to-face conversation with you,
And I would never even know.

I met a man at the grocery store where I worked at once that had your full name and I wondered if it might be you

Who are you?
Are you
A Musician?
An Artist?
A Scholar?
A Bum?
A Hard worker?
A Good Dad?

I have had the opportunity to get these questions answered, I could put forth the effort in trying to find you.
But you took the words of a 6 year old to heart and never contacted me again after that phone conversation.
That says something to me.

When it all comes down to it, to me you are:

How does that make you feel?
I’m not sure how it makes me feel.

Love,Your first daughter.
Or was I?



Dear Mom,
I will always be grateful for everything you’ve ever done for me, for everything you’ve ever taught me, and for always being my self conscious. Not everyone could say they have a great relationship with their mom, but I’m proud to say I have with you.

You always took care of me when I couldn’t do it myself. And you still would if I needed you. Your motives may not have always been completely selfless, but your heart was in the right place. And I know you care, even if you don’t say it every day: you show it.

I just hope all these years by your side have made you a better person; that I helped you learn while I was learning myself. You were so young when you had me and I’m sorry I took your young-adulthood away. But I think you did really well. I turned out alright.

Good job, mom.

You have battle cancer many time,
Watching you go through that taught me to be strong. To never give up. To fight even if you aren’t fighting for yourself, but for those you love most. It will always be the biggest obstacle and darkest shadow that follows you for the rest of your life.

I’m so proud of you, mom.

You raised my sister and me, even when no one else would or could. You put us before anyone else, even yourself. It makes me feel good to know someone cares so much.

I appreciate you, mom.

When I was hanging out with the wrong crowd, you grounded me. Told me I couldn’t hang out with them. Punished me for sneaking out anyway. And I was so mad; but as time went by and I watched those people I thought were my “friends” from a distance, because you wouldn’t let me get close, I watched them go downhill. Watched them make bad decisions. Watched them burn their lives to the ground. And I can never thank you enough for keeping me away from it. You made me step back and think
“Is this going to be a good decision for my future? Something that will help or haunt me for the rest of my life?”

Thank you SO much, mom.

I don’t live at home anymore but I do have one request: Just take care of yourself. You don’t need anyone else to make you happy, though I wish you all the happiness in the world and if you should find that in another person’s company: please don’t let me stop you.

Even if I hate his guts and hope he rots in hell for
lying to you, for better or worse,
and cheating on you, in sickness and health,
Even if he makes you happy through the good, no matter what bad he may do later,

You won’t listen to me.
And I can’t force you.
Just know I’m always here for you,
Whether he is or not.

I love you, mom.