BeccaBear's Blog

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Tag Archives: Childhood

To The Father That Never Was

Dear Gary,

Here is what I know about you:

Your name.
I was 1 year old when the man who raised me married my mom.
You use to call me when I was a child,
until one day when I was 6 I told you I didn’t know who you were and I didn’t want to talk to you.
You use to send me stickers in the mail, but you never paid child support.
At one point you lived in Alaska for a long period of time.
You remarried.
Had more children.
When the man who raised me tried to legally adopt me when I was 12 you refused to sign the papers; little do you know when I was 18 I had my last name legally changed to his, even though he and I haven’t been on good terms since I was 14.
You have a sister; she tried messaging me on myspace once.
I deleted it; I kind of regret it.
But I was young, I didn’t know any better.

What I don’t know is your side of the story.
Did you date my mom?
Or was it just a fling?
Did you plan on marrying her?
Or did she just leave you high and dry?
Did you even know about me or was I already here?

I could never ask her because for some ‘motherly’ reason my mom would lie to me until the end of time just to make her seem like the better person and try to give me the most pleasing answer she thinks I want to hear.

I always wondered what you even look like.
She has no pictures.
I’ve gone through all of her old high school year books and photo albums from when she was growing up; and I don’t see you in any of them.
Or maybe I’m just not looking hard enough.

I could pass you on the street, or have a full on face-to-face conversation with you,
And I would never even know.

I met a man at the grocery store where I worked at once that had your full name and I wondered if it might be you

Who are you?
Are you
A Musician?
An Artist?
A Scholar?
A Bum?
A Hard worker?
A Good Dad?

I have had the opportunity to get these questions answered, I could put forth the effort in trying to find you.
But you took the words of a 6 year old to heart and never contacted me again after that phone conversation.
That says something to me.

When it all comes down to it, to me you are:

How does that make you feel?
I’m not sure how it makes me feel.

Love,Your first daughter.
Or was I?