BeccaBear's Blog

The cat’s pajamas

Lady Luck Smiles on Me

Quite often.

Id like to start off by saying that what you believe in is based off of your opinions, how you grew up, and the people you grew up around. Everyone’s opinion is influence by someone or something else. Often times, you see people who grew up in a closed community and then venture off into the real world for a little dose of culture shock. A good example of this is one of my dear friends who passed away a few years back; when he was a child he grew up in this little nothing town in Alabama where there is one grocery store on the ‘white’ side of town and one grocery store on the ‘black’ side of town, yes, even upon this very day. Well, the ‘white’ community had a very strong belief about being gay: you don’t.

Unfortunately, the problem for my friend is that he was. But it was drilled into his head every day that you should not be gay, therefore, he tried to not be gay. His attempts got him very far in public but when he reached a certain age he opened a very private door. He was very popular in school, dated many girls, even got married and had a kid after he left. As often as I heard people ask, “How does that happen?” I never got tired of his, “Well, when a mommy and daddy have sex…” response.

What he told me is that it just felt like ‘the right thing to do.’ He said it was like there were two parts of him: the one that drove to be like everyone else while the community was watching and the one that had the fake ID to get him into the gay club. He soon found out that if he dressed in drag and went to the gay club it didn’t matter what his fake ID looked like, he would always get in because no one questions a drag queen.

Suffice to say this little town is still the same and I couldn’t be happier he escaped to live his life to the fullest until the day his heart gave up. Rest in peace, my friend.

So, the point of the post is that I feel there really isn’t a particular influence that helped sculpt my opinions. Mostly because I don’t really know what my opinions are. My whole life is nothing but gray, there is no black and white. I could say, “Well, this could be what I believe; I really like the idea of it.” But then I find some pros of the complete opposite and can’t decide which I like more because I know both are right in some way. On top of that I live in such a diverse community filled with tourist and locals who are all of different ethnic groups. It also doesn’t help that I’m so open minded to other belief systems, thoughts and ideas.

One such idea that I can’t put my thumb on is luck. I don’t know if there is such thing as luck or karma or a predetermined destiny, if you will but I know that there is something out there giving me a thumbs up. I was lucky enough to have a good hand of cards given to me at birth and somehow I just keep getting them.

I mean, you don’t lose your phone that has your ID and debit card in it in New Orleans on Bourbon Street and have someone actually give it back to you. That just doesn’t happen.

I don’t want to believe in predetermined destiny. I could understand that there is something in the world that says, “This person will chose this at this particular time and place and it will impact so-and-so as such,” but I would really just like to think that my thoughts and actions are mine and mine alone and not all that predicable. Maybe I need to throw myself for a loop every so often and go to register 5 instead of 1 at Walmart. Waiting in line for a little while longer might do me some good. Then again, maybe it’s expected of me.

But I absolutely love the idea of karma, that my thoughts and actions will determine what my future is like. I get really unsure sometimes because most of my days are full with the phrase, “I’m going to hell,” for my thoughts and actions about other people and that surely can’t be a positive point for my future. So, is my heart really in a good place? Or is karma waiting to come bite me in the rear end for all those negative times? If karma is the real deal I feel like I have stayed under the radar and my time is coming. But maybe I am thinking too much into it and worrying over nothing. Everything will balance out one day I suppose, that I do surely believe

So whether lady luck is blowing on my dice or if I have made the cosmos happy with my positive vibes, I’m not sure.

But I am one lucky son of a bitch (not just because of what happened on Bourbon either). And I couldn’t be more grateful.


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